May 16

Today is my Dad’s birthday.

Eleven years in heaven, not enough years on earth.

Grief is an inscrutable thing, some days it’s hidden, some days it catches your breath and adds a new gash when your guard is down. 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about emotions. Mainly because I have a little girl who overflows with them but also because I still, after so long, hate that my Daddy is gone. Pastor Gil has been preaching on creation and I have been snagged on the concept of “in His image He created them, male and female He created them”. If we are created in the image of God, then doesn’t it make sense that the capacity for emotion is in some measure also in Him? I find this thought comforting, the idea that feelings, are not failings in and of themselves, that only in my reaction to those feelings, can there be fault. I’m not a theologian and there may be error here but when I read Matt. 26:38-39: “Then He said to them, My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me.” And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed saying “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will but as You will.”” I wonder that I haven’t noticed these things before. I hear a lot about the compassion of Christ, His joy, the “happy” emotions but in Hebrews 4:15 it does say “For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.” So it would seem that Christ experienced even the strongest of emotions. Back to Matthew-  “Grieved to the point of death” sounds like dread to me, “Falling on your face” feels like dismay, “If it is possible let this pass” sounds like a deep loathing for the path before Him. If Christ experienced emotions such as these and yet was completely holy, completely perfect then doesn’t it stand to reason that being rid of feelings like this isn’t the goal, being holy in spite of them, is? I am imperfect, I am still learning to turn these over to Him, learning to leave my burdens, learning to have the godly reaction of “not my will but Yours” be my first reaction. Sometimes I am frustrated that I can’t shut down the emotions that threaten to crumble my resolve, but I’m beginning to believe that I will never be free of them this side of eternity.  I will most likely always resent the word “cancer”. I will probably never see a tender Daddy-Daughter moment without my throat tightening with longing. Every “big” event and a great many “little” ones will always make me miss my Dad just a little bit more. I don’t understand why. BUT, I do trust Him. And I’m so grateful that He is compassionate, and for the end of that chapter in Hebrews: “Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in the time of need”.