May 16

Today is my Dad’s birthday.

Eleven years in heaven, not enough years on earth.

Grief is an inscrutable thing, some days it’s hidden, some days it catches your breath and adds a new gash when your guard is down. 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about emotions. Mainly because I have a little girl who overflows with them but also because I still, after so long, hate that my Daddy is gone. Pastor Gil has been preaching on creation and I have been snagged on the concept of “in His image He created them, male and female He created them”. If we are created in the image of God, then doesn’t it make sense that the capacity for emotion is in some measure also in Him? I find this thought comforting, the idea that feelings, are not failings in and of themselves, that only in my reaction to those feelings, can there be fault. I’m not a theologian and there may be error here but when I read Matt. 26:38-39: “Then He said to them, My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me.” And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed saying “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will but as You will.”” I wonder that I haven’t noticed these things before. I hear a lot about the compassion of Christ, His joy, the “happy” emotions but in Hebrews 4:15 it does say “For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.” So it would seem that Christ experienced even the strongest of emotions. Back to Matthew-  “Grieved to the point of death” sounds like dread to me, “Falling on your face” feels like dismay, “If it is possible let this pass” sounds like a deep loathing for the path before Him. If Christ experienced emotions such as these and yet was completely holy, completely perfect then doesn’t it stand to reason that being rid of feelings like this isn’t the goal, being holy in spite of them, is? I am imperfect, I am still learning to turn these over to Him, learning to leave my burdens, learning to have the godly reaction of “not my will but Yours” be my first reaction. Sometimes I am frustrated that I can’t shut down the emotions that threaten to crumble my resolve, but I’m beginning to believe that I will never be free of them this side of eternity.  I will most likely always resent the word “cancer”. I will probably never see a tender Daddy-Daughter moment without my throat tightening with longing. Every “big” event and a great many “little” ones will always make me miss my Dad just a little bit more. I don’t understand why. BUT, I do trust Him. And I’m so grateful that He is compassionate, and for the end of that chapter in Hebrews: “Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in the time of need”.    

Resolved

Is it too late for New Year’s Resolutions? I can just call them New Resolutions I suppose. The last three months have been trying and enlightening and convicting and well, I need to make some changes. I’ve decided to publicly announce them here because the extra accountability will be good for me. Also, as a daughter who loves glimpses into my Mom’s thoughts when she had a 3 year old me and a 1 year old Zach, perhaps this could someday encourage Luca and Court.

Resolution #1 Clean Less and Be at Peace with the Mess

I know, I know, you’re thinking gee Brooke, how about just going all out and also resolving to consume more calories and exercise less? Really taxing. But let me explain. I have a need for order. For as long as I can remember, cleaning and organizing have had a calming effect on my spirit. I become internally (and sometimes externally) frantic when our house is in chaos, it gives me the feeling of drowning. And as you can imagine, that reaction doesn’t foster a cheerful heart, instead I become frustrated and angry. I consider myself a generally optimistic person but when my cleaning checklist is not checked off I become a “cup half-empty” girl. Why can’t I accomplish such seemingly simple tasks? (Side note: don’t be worried about what I may have thought if I’ve seen your home in less than perfect situations. Disorder that isn’t my responsibility? Sure!) In examining our days at home, I’ve noticed a pattern; the worst times are usually when I’m trying to get something checked off of my list (Motherhood, right?). That started me thinking about priorities. My priorities are to God first, Joe second and Luca and Court third. The Bible doesn’t give specific cleaning standards. Joe doesn’t notice dusty baseboards or fingerprints on the French doors. Luca and Court don’t need sparkling kitchen cabinets or organized closets. I want those things. I feel good when the house is tidy. I get grouchy when it isn’t. And that gave me a pause. If I do these things because I have deemed them more important than what Joe and the kids need from me, then it’s sin. I’m being selfish. Cleaning is selfish? Yup. For me, in some (perhaps most) instances it is. Now of course, as a Wife and a Mommy part of my responsibility before the Lord is keeping order in our home and training the kids up to do the same. However, I want to start doing it in the correct way. The house will probably look the same, with many chores left unfinished but the goal is that I won’t be inwardly cringing. My attitude is going to be the hard part of this resolution. I have to train my mind to look at a mess, the dust, the smudges, the unchecked lists and have peace, rest and joy. I have to stop doing what I want to do when I know that God would have me do something else.

Resolution # 2 Train with More Grace

I have been reading “Give Them Grace” by Elyse Fitzpatrick. She challenges that parenting should be just as much about “reciting the Story” as it is about “declaring the rules”. The grace of God through Jesus’ obedience and death is the only way that my children can receive the heart to obey. I want to direct Court and Luca to their need for a Savior above all. God doesn’t require morality, He requires repentance. I know that my tendency is to focus on results, for example; I tell Luca that she “must obey” without explaining why and then give the blanket “because the Bible says so” answer when she questions me. I can’t do justice to the themes of this book here but suffice it to say I want to focus on living out the gospel in the way that I train Luca and Court. To say every day that we can’t do right without Jesus’ help and because of the cross, He will give us help whenever we ask.

Resolution #3 Memorize at Least One Bible Verse Each Month

I have a whole list of verses that I read when I get overwhelmed. It’s time I put them to memory so I don’t need the physical list.

January: 2 Corinthians 4:7-10 “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not despairing; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.”

The Nights Before Christmas

I found a "sienna" setting on my camera and couldn't resist posting these. Now Luca and I both can have our tree of choice, her's of "all the colors" and mine in classic white. :-)
This little nativity set is one we had when I was little and this year I put it out for the girls to play with. It's sturdy and made of some sort of resin or wax so the only worry is; will baby Jesus get lost? It has been played with a lot and normally at the end of the day I gather the pieces and set them in their places like this...
But today, I left them alone. I think Luca had it right:

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
Philippians 2:8-10 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth

2 Corinthians 9:15 Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gift.

What wondrous love is this, O my soul?
That caused the Lord of bliss
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul?

When I was sinking down,
Beneath God’s righteous frown,
Christ laid aside His crown for my soul.

To God and to the Lamb, I will sing;
Who is the great I AM,
While millions join the theme, I will sing.

And when from death I’m free, I’ll sing on;
I’ll sing His love for me,
And through eternity I’ll sing on.

Merry CHRISTmas!

Four Months Old!

I cannot believe that the first third of my sweet little boy's first year is gone! He is such a joy in our house. Here's a peek at what he's been up to:

Holding up his head like a rock star. Court loves his tummy time. When he fusses (or just for the fun of it) we throw him down on his blanket. He's already scooting his way across the floor!

Oh my goodness, I could just eat him up! We're practicing sitting...

Luca has begun the time-honored tradition of including baby brothers in the game of dress-up. He doesn't seem to mind as long as nothing interferes with the finger chewing. He is BIG into chewing.

Taking a snooze. He is less of a napper than Luca was but being that he's so happy, we're ok with that.

Is there anything cuter than baby toes? Court is a great shopper and with his carseat cover on he can catnap in peace.

Luca thinks being able to do anything with Court is a big deal. Even just sitting.

Sibling Storytime. Isn't it great that Court seems to be actually invested in this story? Luca "read" the whole book to him three times.

The girls helped me wash the truck while Court watched. He enjoys sitting up so that he can see all the action. It was such a beautiful day!

Hanging out on Mommy's & Daddy's bed is a favorite thing to do.

And, lest this blog should give the impression that we lead a storybook life with nothing but happy, perfect children: There was a day this week that was so full of stomping, whining, crying & disobedience that a certain Mommy broke. At that point, a certain someone was sent wailing to their room to stay until the whining stopped and the Mommy regained her composure. In all honesty, that took almost 45 minutes. And that's when the Mommy found this:

Around here we like the Anne of Green Gable's quote: "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it"

And more importantly:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Letters for Luca

I've been writing letters for Luca since she was born, different subjects, funny stories, things I may not remember but want her to know. This is one of the more recent ones and I thought I'd share it since many people have asked how things are going and many people have been an encouragement to me in my walk.

On Worry & Stubbornness:

Dear Luca,

A strong will when channeled correctly can be a great thing. However, when it invades your spiritual life, it causes problems. Case in point: me.

My stubbornness usually translates into a mantra that goes something like this: “I can handle it” or “I’ll work it out” or, sometimes, “I’ll deal with it later”. Every one of those may be fine if we’re talking about laundry or math problems but I find myself using the same survival techniques during trials. The thing is, they don’t work! At all. The past few months, I’ve been made more aware of this sin in my life and it hasn’t been pretty.

As I write this, we have no home of our own, your Daddy is looking for a new job, our budget is small and tight, we have absolutely no idea where we might be in the next six months. In addition, there are a myriad other issues that I won’t list but cause me no small amount of stress. If I allow my mind to dwell on these things, I quickly become overwhelmed, scared and worried. This is the point, where by habit I would insert one of my “I” mantras but instead, God is changing my heart, my will, my stubborn self.

When I feel worry setting in, I’ve begun quoting Phillipians 4:6-7, my new mantra, to myself; “Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made know to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” I memorized this verse when I was a little girl but never have I needed to apply it more! After I recite it, I meditate on what these truths mean for me right now.

“Be anxious for nothing”-stop worrying!
“But”- here’s what I need to do instead.
“in everything”- nothing’s too small
“by prayer”-just talking to God!
“and supplication” –I’m commanded to ask things of Him!
“with thanksgiving” –remember all of the blessings and His faithfulness and be grateful.
“let your requests be made known to God” –I can ask anything
“And”- the result of my obedience
“the peace of God” –the only real and lasting peace
“which surpasses all comprehension” – it does!
“will guard” – protect me from fear and anxiety
“your hearts and minds” – all of me
“in Christ Jesus” – the only true, our only safe place.

My stubborn self still wages for the top hand. There are many times when worry inches in and the immediate needs of our family seem so big that I try to fix them in my own strength. I know this will be an ongoing battle for me but I believe that “He who began a good work in me, will complete it”.

My sweet baby girl, I pray that you learn early on to use your strong will to God’s glory; that you save yourself the heartache and anguish of trying to live on your own terms and under your own strength. And after you’ve read this, ask me about all of the good things that happened when we didn’t have a home or a job. And give your Daddy a hug and a thank you, God used him to anchor us both.

I Love You,
Mommy

Motherhood Musings

Yesterday morning, I walked into the kitchen and it occurred to me that the decorating schemes I love do not include the color yellow or plastic or kitsch. And yet, it makes me smile to see that giant inflatable duckie bathtub on top of my fridge. In pondering this, I realized, I’m a Mom. I still don’t necessarily feel like a Mom. But when I look around my house, I can’t avoid the fact that anyone who glimpsed past my front door would see that one lives here. Along with the said duckie, there are bottles, teethers, a swing, an exersaucer, a play-mat, tiny articles of clothing, a high chair, a monitor, the list goes on. So many garish (I’m speaking of the color schemes that baby things are manufactured in) examples of how my life has changed. The time that I wake up in the morning is determined by when I need to feed the baby. I plan my errands around her naps. It takes me five times as long to complete chores because I tote her with me and explain all the details behind my actions (“dust first, then vacuum or vacuum then dust, which should we do?”) I don’t sleep in anymore and going anywhere requires a mini luggage set. My life has become a study of sacrifice. Not that I always do things with the right attitude or motives or even do things at all, I am a work in progress. But some evenings I look back over my day and can see that in taking care of another, I am fulfilled. I have a new understanding of 1 Timothy 2:15 “But women will be preserved through the bearing of children if they continue in faith and love and sanctity with self restraint”. In notes I have written in my Bible, the word “preserved” also has the connotation of “finding meaning” and that we, as women, have our greatest achievement in bearing children. I can say without any hesitation, that the birth of Luca is one of the single most important events of my life. In addition, the oft quoted Psalm 127:3 “Behold, children are a gift from the Lord” has new significance. The full import of being a Mother is still settling in, and I know that I will have days when I don’t feel joy, meaning or satisfaction but I trust that God’s grace is sufficient. In the meantime, I am in awe of the gift of this baby and am so thankful that she has been entrusted to me, kitschy décor and all.

Goodwill

I need new jeans. I have one pair that are perfect except for the holes developing on the backside (not the holes you can leave) and another pair that would be great if I hadn't had a baby. In the past when my pair needed replacing, I'd take a coupon down to the Lucky store and buy my standard favorite cut and fit. However, that's still pretty expensive. So I took my jean stealing baby and went to Goodwill. :-) And guess what? There on the rack were a pair of Luckys in my cut and fit! I also found some Gap jeans and a pair of Nine West boots. I was so excited! And grateful. How good is God to take care of my little wardrobe concerns?

"And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. If God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you?" Matthew 6:28-30

"For You, O Lord, have made me glad by what You have done, I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands." Psalm 92:4